Learn to Say "No" to the Things that Hold You Back
I thought saying “no” to others made me a bad person and saying “no” to opportunities made me a fool.
There are seriously so many things that differentiate a go-getter from a dreamer, things that separate a successful person from a wannabe. But one of the most powerful things in the back pocket of someone who is crushing it in life are two little letters: N.O.
That’s right: Successful people learn to say “no.”
This concept was foreign to me. I thought hustle meant saying “yes” boldly to everything. I thought it meant never turning down an opportunity. I thought success was found in the yes’s.
As a result, I was under-earning, exhausted, and spread insanely thin.
Okay, so what’s my point? If you’re feeling like you have all these things you want to do, accomplish, become - but it’s just not happening - we are going to change the negative stigma around turning down certain opportunities in order to free up your time and space. Learn to say “no.” Not selfishly, but to make you a better business owner, wife, mama, daddy, and all the things in between.
Learn what it means when you say “yes”.
Identify the right yes’s in your life.
Find out how to gracefully say “no”.
Watch the magic happen!
Here’s to unlocking potential in your life! Let’s do this!
Learn What It Means When You Say “Yes”
First, I should give you a quick overview of how I grew up. This will give you an idea of how my family operates. In both the Italian and Arab cultures, they are always giving and always taking care of others. To this day, my mom lives so selflessly and I deeply admire that about her.
So this idea of not taking on the world (and everyone else’s) felt foreign to me.
The narrative I had created for myself was that in order to be a good person, I had to give every ounce that I had to everyone else first. If I didn’t, I was failing. I learned early in my childhood to be a people-pleaser (can ya feel me on this one?).
So not only did I always say “yes” and try to find a way to fulfill whatever obligation I took on, but I also literally didn’t know how to say “no” to someone. So I’d say things like “maybe” or “we’ll see” or “sure, I can do that later.” But I would either be buried so deep in obligations that I was drowning, or I would ultimately be letting them down because I couldn’t keep up.
I LEARNED A VERY HARD LESSON - WHEN YOU SAY “YES” TO SOMETHING, YOU’RE SAYING “NO” TO SOMETHING ELSE.
And then I read Lysa Terkeurst’s book, “The Best Yes” and my brain kinda exploded.
Here’s the subtitle: “Are you living with the stress of an overwhelmed schedule and aching with the sadness of an underwhelmed soul?”
UMM, YES, HI, LYSA, OVER HERE! That’s me!
HERE’S THE THING…
If you’re reading this, I assume you are, in some capacity, looking to scale up in your life. You’re probably hoping to excel in multiple things, like your business, parenthood, finances, health, or happiness.
If that’s the case, it’s time we have an honest conversation as to why you might not be where you want to be. It’s time to learn to say “no.”
In episode 2 of the podcast, we talked about casting the vision for your business, your brand, and ... your LIFE. There’s a reason behind all of this.
When you have true clarity in where you REALLY want to go, then you can start to understand what justifies a “yes” from you. It will help you grasp what actually deserves to land on your calendar. With a reality check of your priorities, you can discern what even merits your thoughts or energy.
So much of this is rooted in where you came from…
My childhood conditioned me to be a people-pleaser. I was raised with an understanding that I was to check in along the way to make sure everyone else was good. Most often that meant saying “YES.” But now, as an adult with obligations, goals, dreams and people (my family) who actually depend on me, I have to be able to make a conscious effort to check myself before I say “yes.” I have to be sure I’m not committing out of that natural pull I’ve always had to take care of everyone else. I’ve had to learn to say “no.”
What is it for you?
If so many of us are actually derailing ourselves by over-promising, how can we correct it so that we actually CAN live out our dreams?
Not long ago, I was working with a certain client. She was the overachieving go-getting type. She had already accomplished so much in her life, but she felt herself falling into this state of complacency. She already had the following and the income; she had gained her tangible achievements, but she was ready for her next big goal so she could get back to a place of growth, pushing, and stretching.
Finally she put it out into the universe:
“I’m going to write that book.”
The first thing we did was analyze her calendar for the next month to see what was getting her time, focus and commitment vs. how much time she had allowed specifically for this new exciting goal.
Everything and everyone else was taking precedence. She hadn’t carved out any dedicated time to work on her big dream. She needed to learn to say “no.”
Your calendar is telling. It’s either working for you or against you. And even worse, sometimes, maybe you aren’t tracking what you’re doing in the white space of your calendar day. A few minutes of scrolling that isn’t tracked is saying “YES” to a bad habit and saying “NO” to advancement. A little TV during downtime is saying “YES” to catching up on someone’s fake life while saying “NO” to your real one. Assuming you’ll work on that goal when you catch a break in your day is saying “YES” to mediocrity and “NO” to that goal.
IDENTIFY THE RIGHT YES’S IN YOUR LIFE
If you’re in your first few years of grinding out a new business, or you’re trying to turn your passion into something that pays, you will get this…
It’s so easy to feel like you need to say “YES” to everything! Right?!
You agree to every potential client, every opportunity, every speaking gig, every little thing. On a certain level, that hustle is necessary for a time when you are still figuring things out. BUT, you also need to protect your time, your energy, and your vision. Otherwise, you’ll burn out!
IF IT DOESN’T ALIGN, IT NEEDS TO BE A “NO.”
In my business, a fair amount of brands and companies reach out wanting to collaborate with me. I haven’t built the majority of my business on influencing opportunities, but it is nice to occasionally work with other brands that align with my mission. And let’s be honest, the pay can be enticing…
MY NECESSARY “NO”
There is a certain watch company that I love. I like their brand mission, so I was excited when they reached out to collaborate with me.
They promised to send me a watch (an expensive watch), plus payment.
I received the watch a few days later. Understandably, the company also sent a list of what I was required to do in return for the watch and payment. Social media post, blog post, IG stories, emails, etc…
I kept trying to complete these tasks and to get it to mesh with my brand, but it just wasn’t quite working. It was taking up a lot of my time. I wasn’t sure that I should have agreed to this partnership. And since I’m not an influencer by trade, it was unnatural for me to suddenly start mentioning the same product over and over, even if it was subtle.
Plus, it was a watch. Not a book that changed my life, not a seminar that helped my business, not a podcast I was binging, and not a product that transformed my health. It felt like a square peg in a round hole. BUT, it was a great opportunity! I was obsessed with this watch. The money was nice and the company promised to keep pushing me and my brand through all of their BIG channels.
I woke up one day already stressing about how I was going to fit the watch into that day’s marketing. I just knew I had to do something about it.
I boxed up the watch with a check inside for what they had already paid me, and I mailed it back. I called the brand manager and thanked him for the opportunity, but told him that I never should have agreed. This collaboration didn’t align with me and my greater mission.
It felt like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders!
When I told some of my friends who are successful in the influencer space, they thought I was crazy! But I had such a peace about it. In the past, I would have let their opinions sway me, but this time, because I had such clarity, I knew I did the right thing.
PROTECT YOUR YES’S - THEY ARE LIMITED!
Know when you need to recalibrate. It’s okay to say “no” even after you committed to something. In “The Best Yes”, Lysa reminds us, it’s easier to give a small “no” than a big one. Turning an opportunity down from the beginning because you’re clear on your priorities is easier than agreeing to something, THEN backing out once you realize it’s too much.
A very simple question I started asking myself any time an opportunity presented itself, whether it was dinner with friends, a speaking gig, or anything in between:
“Does this align with my priorities right now or does it help advance me closer to my goal?”
If your goal is to be a more present mother, and you get the chance to volunteer at your child’s school, great! Sounds like the opportunity and your priorities align. But if your goal is to finish that book and the homeroom mom slot opens up, maybe this isn’t the best time to take it. Learn to say “no” to the things that are going to crowd your time without adding value to your current vision.
Which leads me to my next point…
How To Gracefully Say No
Let’s go back to that client I was working with whose number one goal was to write AND FINISH that book…
Remember how we dissected her calendar and audited her life?
Here’s what I found:
Coach of the kids’ soccer team
President of PTA
Pastoral counsel at her church
Car pool
Taking classes to get cycling instructor certification
Yoga class 4x a week
Taking an online course on how to market your book
3-day seminar on public speaking
Running her own FB/IG ads
And that was just in one month!
What’s my point?
She allowed the slow roll-creep to happen…
Little by little she was taking on more and more things until she had taken on too much. Does that mean it’s not important to be involved in her kid’s school? Of course not! But did she have to be president of the PTA at the same time that she was pushing to publish her book?
Know and evaluate your roles so you know what you need to turn down, what is non-negotiable and what can be outsourced. This is so important!
Remember that there are seasons to life. It doesn’t mean that my client would never be president of the PTA, it just means that she won’t do that today. People might judge her or question her for it, but she has to be secure enough in herself and her vision that it doesn’t matter.
So coaching her kid’s soccer team, to her, was non-negotiable. It was a promise she made and her children are a top priority for her. She knew that was a solid “yes.” But running her own social media ads? That’s easily something she could take off of her plate and outsource. Cycling certification -- sounds awesome! It’s something she has always wanted to do. But…
Does it align with her priorities or help her move the needle towards her current focus goal?
NOPE. SO IT’S A NO.
Watch the Magic Happen!
When you have standards and clarity, the choices get easier. You stop living in the danger zone of always saying “yes” or sometimes, even worse: “maybe”, and you learn to say “no,” graciously and with kindness. This clarity saves you time, keeps you from stressing out, and rescues you from falling into the trap of analysis paralysis.
“I’d love to help with the PTA because being a part of the kids’ school and helping to make it better is important to me. But it doesn’t fit my current schedule since I’m focused on quality time with the kids and finishing my book. But I’ll be sure to reach out when my book is complete to see if you’re still looking for help! Thanks for thinking of me.”
Delays, maybes, yes’s that ultimately have to be turned into no’s make it harder on us and the people with whom we are working. “Maybe” gets their hopes up. Delaying leaves them less time to make other plans. Yes and then realizing that we over-committed will either spread us too thin to do a good job or force us to back out so ultimately they end up incredibly inconvenienced.
You are one person with one life. And you are called to be selfless and generous, but that doesn’t mean saying “yes” to everything. Learn to say “no” to the things that won’t get you closer to where you want to be. Get clear on your priorities, aligned with your goals, and honest with yourself and the people who are asking something of you.