Episode# 018: The Power of NO + How to Master the Right Yes!
There are seriously so many things that differentiate a go-getter from a dreamer. That separates a successful person from a wannabe. But one of the most powerful things in the back pocket of someone who is crushing it in life is two little letters - N.O.
That’s right gang - NO.
This concept was foreign to me. I thought hustle meant saying yes boldly to everything. I thought it meant turning down no opportunities. I thought success way found in the yes’s.
As a result I was under earning, exhausted, and spread insanely thin.
Okay so what’s my point? If you’re feeling overwhelmed, like you have all of these things you want to do, accomplish, become - but it’s just not happening - we are breaking the stigma around the word no and freeing up time, space and unlocking potential in your life!
Learn what it means when you say yes
Identify the right yes’s in your life
Find out how to gracefully say no
Then watch the magic happen!
Let’s do this!
LEARN WHAT IT MEANS WHEN YOU SAY YES
So I should give you a quick overview of how I grew up… of how my family operates. Just a little bit about the Italian/Arab cultures- they are ALWAYS giving, always taking care of others. My mom - to this day, lives so selflessly
So this idea of not taking on the world felt foreign to me.
The narrative I had created for myself was that in order to be a good person, I had to give every ounce that I had to everyone else first. If I didn’t, I was failing. I learned from early in my childhood to be a people-pleaser… anyone else feel me on this one?!
So not only did I always say yes and try and find a way to fulfill whatever obligation I took on, I literally didn’t know how to say no to someone. So I’d say things like “maybe” or “we’ll see” or “sure, I can do that later” and I would either be buried so deep in obligations I was drowning or I would ultimately be letting them down because I couldn’t keep up.
I learned a very hard lesson - when you say YES to something, you’re saying NO to something else.
And then I read Lysa Terkeurst’s book, The Best Yes, and my brain kinda exploded.
Here’s the subtitle:
“Are you living with the stress of an overwhelmed schedule and aching with the sadness of an underwhelmed soul?”
UM, YES, HI, LYSA, OVER HERE! That’s me!
Here’s the thing…
If you’re listening to this, I assume you are, in some capacity, looking to scale up your life
-in business
-in parenthood
-in your finances
-in your level of health
-happiness
So if that’s the case, it’s time we have an honest conversation as to why you might not be where you want to be.
There was a reason that in Ep 2 we talked about casting the vision for your business, brand… your LIFE.
When you have true clarity in where you REALLY want to go, then you can start to get clear on what deserves a yes from you. What deserves to land on your calendar. What even deserves your thought or energy.
And so much of this is rooted in where you came from…
My childhood conditioned me to be a people-pleaser. To check in along the way to make sure everyone else was good. And most often that meant saying YES. So now, as an adult with obligations and goals and dreams and people (my family) who actually does depend on me, I have to be able to check myself before I say yes out of that natural pull I’ve always had to take care of everyone else.
“We must not confuse the command to love with the disease to please.”
What is it for you?
So since so many of us are actually derailing ourselves by over-yessing, how can we fix it so that we actually can live out our dreams?
I was working with a client - she was the high achieving type, go-getter, and she had already accomplished so much in her life. She felt herself falling into this state of complacency. She already had the following, the income, the tangible things she was aiming at… but she was ready for her next big goal so she could get back to a place of growth and pushing and stretching.
Finally she put it out into the universe - I’m going to write that book.
First thing we did was pull up her calendar…
-look at her next month
-what was getting her time, focus and commitment
-what was on there specific to her big focus goal
Everything and everyone else was taking precedence
-Not only did she have everything else and everyone else’s stuff on her calendar, but she wasn’t carving out dedicated time to work on her dream
Your calendar is telling. It’s either working for you, or against you. And even worse sometimes, people aren’t tracking what they are doing and they are living in the active white space of their day. A few minutes of scrolling that isn’t tracked is saying YES to a bad habit and saying NO to advancement. A little TV during downtime is saying yes to catching up on someone’s fake life while saying NO to your real one. Assuming you’ll work on that goal when you catch a break in your day is saying YES to mediocrity and NO to that goal.
IDENTIFY THE RIGHT YES’S IN YOUR LIFE
If you’re in your first few years of grinding to get a business off the ground, or trying to turn your passion into something that pays, you will get this…
It’s so easy to feel like you need to say YES to everything! Right?!
You say yes to every potential client, every opportunity, every speaking gig, every thing. And there’s some level of truth to that because you need to have a lot of irons in the fire until you figure things out. BUT, you also need to protect your time, your energy, and your vision.
If it doesn’t align, it needs to be a NO.
I get a fair amount of brands and companies that reach out wanting to collaborate. I’m by no means someone who has built their business on influencer opportunities, but it’s kind of nice to work with other brands that are either products or services I like, or align with my mission. And sometimes the pay or reward can be enticing…
My JORD STORY
Jord is a watch company that I love. I like their mission. I like their brand so I was excited when they reached out!
They were sending me a watch (expensive), plus payment.
As soon as I received it, something didn’t feel quite right. Rightfully so, they sent their list of what I would need to do in return for the watch and payment. Post, blog, IG stories, emails, etc…
I kept trying to get it done and to get it to mesh with my brand, but it just wasn’t quite fitting and it was taking up a lot of my time. And since I’m not an influencer by trade, it was unnatural for me to all of a sudden start mentioning the same product over and over, even if it was subtle. Plus, it was a watch. Not a book that changed my life, a seminar that helped my business, a podcast I couldn’t get enough of, a product that transformed my health… it felt like a square peg in a round hole. BUT, it was a great opportunity! I was obsessed with this watch, the money was nice and they were going to keep pushing me and my brand out through all of their BIG channels.
I woke up one day already stressing about how I was going to fit the watch into that day’s marketing and I just knew I had to do something about it.
I boxed up the watch with a check inside for what they had already paid me, and I mailed it back. I called the brand manager and thanked him for the opportunity, but told him that I never should have said yes in the 1st place. It was a great opportunity, but it didn’t align with me and my greater mission.
It felt like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders!
When I told some of my friends who are successful in the influencer space, they thought I was crazy! But I had such peace over it. In the past, I would have let their opinions sway me, but this time, because I had such clarity, I knew I did the right thing.
Protect your yes’s, they are limited!
And know when you need to recalibrate. It’s okay to say no even after you already said yes. Although as Lysa, author of The Best Yes reminds us, it’s easier to say a small no than a big one. Meaning that saying no from the get-go because you’re clear on your priorities is easier than saying yes THEN saying no once you realize it’s too much.
A good and very simple question I started asking myself any time an opportunity presented itself, whether it was dinner with friends or a speaking gig or anything in between:
Does this align with my priorities right now or does it help advance me closer to my goal.
If your goal is to be a more present mother and you get the chance to volunteer at their school, great! Sounds like they align. But if your goal is to finish that book and the homeroom mom slot opens up, maybe this isn’t the best time to take it.
Which leads me to my next point…
HOW TO GRACEFULLY SAY NO
I teach this in depth in my 7 day ditch your day job planner…
This goes right along with what we’ve been talking about…
Let’s go back to that client I was working with who’s number one goal was to write AND FINISH that book…
Remember how we dissected her calendar and audited her life?
Here’s what I found:
Coached the kids soccer team
President of PTA
Pastoral counsel at her church
Car pool
Taking classes to get cycling instructor certification
Yoga class 4x a week
Taking an online course on how to market your book
3 day seminar on public speaking
Running her own FB/IG ads
AND THAT WAS JUST IN ONE MONTH!
What’s my point?
She allowed roll creep to happen…
Little by little she was taking on more and more things until she had taken on too much. Does that mean it’s not important to be involved in her kid’s school? Of course not! But did she have to be head of PTA at the same time that she was pushing to publish her book?
Knowing and evaluating your rolls so you know what you need to say no to, what is non-negotiable and what can be outsourced is so important!
And remembering that there are seasons to life. It doesn’t mean that she’ll never be head of PTA, but today is not that day. And people might judge her or question her for it, but she has to be secure enough in herself and her vision that it doesn’t matter.
So coaching her kid’s soccer team, to her, was non-negotiable. It was promise she made and since her children are a top priority for her, she knew that was a solid yes. But running her own social media ads? That’s easily something she could take off of her plate and outsource. Cycling certification… sounds awesome! It’s something she has always wanted to do. But…
Does it align with her current priorities or help her move the needle towards her current focus goal?
NOPE. So it’s a no.
When you have standards and clarity, the choices get easier. You stop living in the danger zone of always saying yes or sometimes even worse… MAYBE, and you learn how to gracefully say no. This clarity saves you stress, time and from falling into the trap of analysis paralysis.
“I’d love to help with the PTA because being a part of the kids school and helping to make it better is important to me. But it doesn’t fit my current schedule since I’m focused on quality time with the kids and finishing my book. But I’ll be sure to reach out when my book is complete to see if you’re still looking for help! Thanks for thinking of me.”
Delaying, maybes, yes’s that ultimately have to be turned into no’s make it harder on us and the people we are working with. Maybe gets their hopes up. Delaying leaves them less time to make other plans. Yes and then realizing that we bit off more than we can chew will either spread us too thin to do a good job or force to backout so ultimately they end up in a lurch.
You are one person with one life. And you are called to be selfless and generous, but that doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. It means being clear on your priorities, being aligned with your goals and being honest with yourself and the people who are asking something of you.