Cultivating a Strong Relationship (While Growing Your Business)
When was the last time you went on a date with your partner?
When was the last time you just sat and talked with someone you love?
When was the last time you completely “unplugged” to be present with your partner or family?
As a business owner it’s easy to feel overwhelmed with the number of things on your to-do list; and that’s just for your business. That doesn’t include laundry, dishes, cooking, grocery shopping, etc. Sometimes it can feel impossible to balance everything and be a good partner. It’s all too easy to put the people that we love on the back burner. We believe that they will always be there, so we take them for granted.
But the reality is: we have to actively work at our relationships in order for them to thrive, which can seem impossible on top of your ever-growing to-do list.
I asked Gerard and Jessie, the married hosts of the Marriage is Funny podcast what their top tips are for cultivating a strong relationship while navigating other areas in our lives, and this here’s what they said!
Building a dream is selfish
It’s hard to believe, and you probably don’t want to admit it, but when you’re working on building a dream, your dream, there is a level of self-centeredness that comes with it. Even if that dream positively affects your family, changes the course of your children’s and/or grandchildren’s lives, and you’re making an impact on the world, it’s still your dream.
The question becomes: why is it so easy to take our partners for granted while pursuing our dreams? And how can we keep our relationship a focus in our lives?
The truth is that not many entrepreneurs, corporate employees, or high-achieving professionals are discussing how their marriages are affected by their work, but they should be. It’s not just about having balance in your life, it’s about pouring your heart and soul into your relationships, just like you do your work.
Each one of us is going to pour into our relationships differently, based on our love language. But as we continue to pour into our relationships, we will learn that our relationships and personal connections will continue to grow.
Think of your relationship as having three parts. There is you, your partner, and then a third entity that is the connection between you two. It’s important that you each grow as separate people and work on your aspirations and ambition, but that you also put emphasis on that third entity: your connection. All three are important and need to be nurtured so they can grow. If you’re not nurturing each one then outside factors like a launch, promotion, travel, or even a change in your routine can cause emotional breakdowns that result in poor communication and/or arguments.
Build up your floor cushion
Imagine you’re sitting on a cushion on the floor. Do you want that cushion to be really thin, worn down, and not very soft? Or do you want a thick, plushy cushion that makes you forget you’re on the floor in the first place?
Your relationship is like a floor cushion. The less time you spend working on your relationship the thinner it becomes, making it uncomfortable and even painful. You want a thick cushion to sit on just like you want a full relationship. When you have a well-built relationship, you can rest assured that in those moments when you’re working really hard or have to focus on something else, that your relationship has not only a solid foundation, but has been built to last and will not become uncomfortable.
If you don’t pour into your relationship you’re going to get really uncomfortable. And the longer you go without building up the cushion the less you’re going to want to sit on the floor.
Take the “D” word off the table
Have you ever found yourself saying, “I can’t do this anymore. This is too much work. I’m out.”
Unfortunately, for so many people, this becomes their reality.
But the problem is that when divorce, or separation, is an option, it’s all too easy to fall into this idea that if it’s not working you can just be done. When you take that option off the table, you have the mindset that you’re in this, together, for life. There is no Plan B. So you do whatever you have to in order to make it work.
With technology today and the number of dating apps, it’s easy for us to fall into a false sense of security, thinking, “Well this app shows that I have fifty other options so if this doesn’t work out I have options.” Being an entrepreneur, employee, or high-achieving professional is hard enough, and some people don’t want anything else in their life to be hard.
So you start to doubt your partner. You start to wonder if maybe they weren’t your soul mate. Maybe this wasn’t meant to be.
But the truth is that love is a choice, and it’s something you have to keep choosing every single day. You have to choose to put the effort and work into your relationship because you see the value in the commitment that you made. Instead of saying, “I’m done,” you need to start asking, “What do we need to do to figure this out?”
You are a team and you have to act like one.
You have to change your mindset and how you view your relationship.
The dreaded roommate zone
Do you remember when you would meet a nice guy and things are going great until suddenly you slide into the dreaded “friend zone”? I like to think that in marriage there’s something called the “roomate zone.” When you first get married you’re so in love and everything is heart emojis and terms of endearment. Then somewhere along the way the focus becomes more about working as a team; tackling the laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning together. Before you know it, you’re acting more like roommates; you’re coexisting.
It’s almost as if you’ve fallen out of love. There’s no infidelity, no danger, no abuse in the relationship, you just got busy and fell out of love.
I want you to fall back in love.
Love takes work. You have to be willing to dig in and put in the work because the results are so worth it.
Your vision for your business should include your family
Entrepreneurship is a tricky thing. It’s an incredible blessing to be able to start a side hustle or business to change your financial outlook or create new opportunities for your family, but at the end of the day, it’s important to keep your family and relationship front of mind. You need to remember that as much as you’re choosing to work on your business, you need to choose your marriage and love because when all else fails, those two still remain. Your vision of growth for your business should be rooted in the goals for your family. And in order for those two to stay connected you have to continue to pour into those relationships.
There’s no question that in order to build a business, you have to make sacrifices. So you have to ask yourself why you’re making that sacrifice. Is that sacrifice worth it?
You also need to include your partner in those conversations. You need to make sure they are onboard with your plans and that they can help bridge those gaps for you, especially if you have kids. Your partner may have to take on more responsibility so you can build your business in the pockets of your day.
You have to remember that you aren’t the only one making sacrifices so it’s important to maintain open communication with your partner to ensure that everyone feels heard and included in this process.
You have to set boundaries
As an entrepreneur, it’s easy to let your business consume every aspect of your life, so it’s important to set boundaries. And with those boundaries, there needs to be expectations.
For example, if you set business hours, you need to stick to them. If you say you’re going to be offline at 4 p.m. to spend time with your kids, then you need to log off, put your phone away, and be totally present.
It may take some trial and error to figure out what works for you. Maybe you have certain days of the week that you completely unplug. Maybe you don’t answer emails on the weekend.
Whatever you choose to do, be consistent and firm. Your partner and/or family need you to be present in their lives too. If they are supportive of your dream, it’s important that you support their needs as well.
Find a shared hobby
After spending hours on your business, it’s fun to do something with just your partner. Whether that’s binge-watching a TV show, going on a walk or a hike, or doing a puzzle, find something that interests you both and make time to do that as often as possible. Having that alone time to do something just the two of you allows for you to be able to reconnect and fall in love all over again.
You might be surprised at the amount of laughter and joy you find in those moments you spend together doing something you both enjoy.
And remember, it doesn’t have to be a hobby. It could be something like cooking dinner together, or taking care of the kids together. Whatever it is, make sure it allows you to be completely present with your partner and find the joy and that spark to reignite your feelings for each other.
Vulnerability leads to intimacy and connection
When you’re deep in hustle mode it’s easy to get defensive and argumentative. It’s hard to communicate with your partner when they don’t truly understand the struggles you’re having or the extent of the challenges you’re facing.
Talk with your partner. Let down those walls and tell your partner about the pain you’re feeling. Tell them about the problems you’re having behind-the-scenes. Tell them that you understand your business is taking away from your ability to be a good boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, partner, mom, dad, etc., and that you’re doing your best but that you’re struggling. Allow your partner to help you through the rough patches, lean on them for support. You might be amazed at how your connection with your partner will grow as you see them problem-solve and try to help you through your challenges.
If you find yourself in a moment of conflict or misunderstanding, stop for a second and ask yourself, “Am I struggling with something internally? Is there something going on in my life that is causing frustration?” It’s important to understand the root of your frustration or anger to make sure it’s truly being caused by your partner; odds are, it’s not.
But if you’re able to dissect what’s going on and talk about that issue with your partner, you’re allowing them to be your support system. Those are the moments when you need to lean into your relationship, not away.
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help
Thanks to social media, our newsfeed is full of photos of happy couples doing exciting things. It’s easy to get caught up in the comparison game, feeling like your relationship is failing because you and your partner had a fight last night, or maybe you haven’t been able to travel as much as you wanted, or maybe you have a baby that changed your relationship dynamic. You’re so used to seeing everyone’s highlight reel that you forget other couples struggle too.
It’s hard to admit that your relationship is struggling because of the stigma and shame that comes with it. So instead of sharing your struggles with others, you post picture-perfect images of your relationship and you internalize those challenges. But the problem is that the longer you internalize them, the more they begin to fester.
Don’t be afraid to share your challenges with others. Be intentional with your message and ask for support or resources to get help. Sometimes having an outside party to discuss your issues with can provide insight that you and your partner might not be able to see or conclude. It becomes a powerful shift in your relationship when you can openly discuss your challenges with someone and then use them as a way to better understand and listen to your partner.
No matter who you are, or what you do, balancing work and relationships is hard. It takes time, commitment, and strength. You have to be all in. And in those moments when you’re struggling, you have to troubleshoot, lean in to each other, and remember that you are in this for the long haul.
Take time to appreciate each other, communicate often, and remember that neither one of you is perfect. Running a business is hard enough as it is. Lean on your partner during those hard times and walk through them together, not apart.
Fall in love, every single day.